Candy, I Can't Let You Go

This evening's edition of Artificial Swedener will be part blog post, part confessional. You see, I've been following a diet lately—the idea is to eat like a hunter-gatherer—but tonight I discovered Swedish candy and fell off the wagon, hard.

We'll get back to the candy in a moment, but first, a little biological anthropology (my major in college, don'tcha know). It sounds counterintuitive, but hunter-gatherer peoples typically have a much better nutritional profile than those of us who eat a post-agricultural diet. The diseases of Western civilization (heart disease, diabetes, and obesity, namely) are completely absent in communities that don't have regular access to cereal grains, dairy products, alcohol, and processed foods. But then again, ice cream, Twinkies and beer goggles are also absent. Lame!

So anyway, the diet plan (the "Paleo Diet for Athletes") says to avoid all grains, sweeteners, alcohol, dairy and fermented foods. I actually like eating the Paleo way... except when I don't. You're really only supposed to eat vegetables, meat and fruit—plus occasional exceptions after heavy sports-training, and one meal each week where you can eat whatever you want. (A pound of candy, perhaps?)

Since moving to Sweden in August, I've been walking past sweets shops probably nine or 10 times each day—they are on practically every street corner. And the bins of multicolored confections never really appealed before. But tonight the scales fell off my eyes and I suddenly realized that I have my own money, no grown-ups to tell me "no," and I'm living in a Willy Wonka wonderland of sugary delights! Woohoo! So I went to one of these candy convenience stores and put one of nearly every little doodad in a bag. There are bunches of different kinds of licorice in cute shapes, but much like the earwax and vomit candies in Harry Potter, you have to be careful or you might end up with a disgusting salty one that tastes like a practical joke.

There are also gazillions of different kinds of gummies, and these fluffy, marshmallowish candies unfortunately called "scum goodies" (skumgodis). There's chocolate ones with crispies on them or nougat inside, sour ones in bright pastel colors, hard ones shaped like fried eggs, butterscotch foamy ones, white ones with caramel and on and on and on. You don't often see candies like this in the U.S., although I bet these are what my grandmother means when she talks about "penny candy." Nowadays, your sugary sweets are all branded up and sold individually in familiar little packages—there's no mystery left in the candy-selection process. Unless you count the Forrest Gump-style revelation of boxed chocolates.

Well, anyway, I can't remember the last time I ate like 20 candies in a single sitting. I think I was about eight. Eating a pile of candy is pretty much the diametric opposite of the Paleo Diet, but it feels good to be a kid once in a while. And there's always tomorrow to try and be virtuous again.